Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
