I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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