I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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