a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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