I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
