i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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