You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
