The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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