I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
