I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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