she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
