I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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