I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
