I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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