omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
