you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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