No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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