I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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