how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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