Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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