Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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