I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
