She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
