great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
