She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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