I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
