guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Farmville is her only friend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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