Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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