I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
