I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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