best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
