I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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