Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
