that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
