I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
