My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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