I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
