he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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