I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
