R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
