we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
