Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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