Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
