Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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