can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
