Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
