Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
