I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
