My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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