i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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