A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
