you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
